Thursday, September 17, 2009

Money-Collector.

Thursday, September 17, 2009 1
Conductor, give me my change.

Who be conductor? No dey call me that thing again. There's no conductor for this bus. Na only Money-Collector. You dey call me conductor, I dey conduct you. Mind yasef.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

MTV BASE!

Thursday, August 27, 2009 2
Oh my peeps!Make una no vex for me o for the long absence. It was due to a break in transmission at the inspiration center in my mind.

Well, have I got a good one for y'all. Oyana is about to rant about MTV Base. Yes o! the ground-breaking revolutionary influence on music videos in Africa.

It's the MAMAs. They are here again!

Question: Why is it that if MTV base was created to sell African music to the rest of the world, why is it that most of the songs being played are mostly American?

Question: Why is it that if MTV Base is promoting African music, why is it that our songs are not played on other MTV channels?

Question: Why is it that if MAMAS was introduced to reward African musicians or African songs played on MTV, why is it that American musicians are nominated in the same category as Africans?

Question: Why is it that when Tu-face won at MTV Europe Awards, why is that it was for best African act?

Question: Why is it that if American music is not being overly promoted on MTV Base, why is it that there is not a category for Best American act at the MAMAS or best European act?

Question: Why is it that African musicians who have been carried away by the name MTV are allowing themselves be treated this way?

Question: Why is that 9ice can actually think that his song would be nominated in the Hip-hop category, even though his style sounds more like soul, that he would actually win fairly against... was it the Game now?

Question: Why is it that there are not more categories for indigenous African music at the MAMAs?

Question: Why is it that Africans still choose to do nothing about their inferiority complex?

Question: Why is it that we don't see the presence of MTV Base in Africa especially with their style of programming as a continued dominance and westernization of Africaa and just plain Business?


Question: Why is it that Afirican musicians are stupidly thinking that MTV base is actually helping them when what is happening is that MTV is just a product that is being sold to a very hungry market?

Question: Why is it that stupid channels like SoundCity and Channel O instead of trying to counter this western dominance by playing strictly African music are still helping America to sell their product? Rather buying the American product and promoting the American style?

Question: When are we really truly going to start promoting ourselves?

Don't be stupid! Who said there is no market for African music?

There's always an audience for originality. Maybe not in selfish xenophobic brain-washed America but what about the rest of the world, what about Europe? What about we that appreciate and love you here ( our musicians) why are you undermining our appreciation by continually seeking second-rate status abroad?

Why does Femi keep coming back home?

I warned you, didn't I?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Nonsense that makes sense.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009 5
I am so angry right now. I was looking for a video, a correct original one, of Duncan Mighty's Dance For Me to post on the blog but no show. The pile of crap I saw instead was so disappointing, I no fit even fit try to manage am!!!

Yep, like a million years after, I am still feeling Dance For Me.

Nwa mara mma
Were ama meri'iwe, oin
The way u dey whine am make me dey soji
eh your behind
I neva see d kind girl wey fine pass u
Anytime u pass me for road na war....

Ati be be lo jare.

I so love the song and when the radio is yarning dust (dat is when all those OAP are over-talking in their fake accents and the advert don dey over-too much) I switch to it on my phone.

But come o, much as I like the song, e come they bring to mind all these rubbish but catchy phrases wey Nigerian musicians dem dey put for their songs these days. One of the worst culprits na Timaya.

Every song wey him wan sing na Dem Mama. Wetin do dem Mama again?
Just cos you made their mother popular in one song, does not mean you should over bore us with her true story in two other albums and about another bijillion other songs plus including features for other people songs.

The other people wey they piss me off pass na those two rasta, unnecessary sunglasses wearing, bling-bling flashing mouth makers, KCPresh.
Funny enuff, I like that their song, Sokori bobo. Shey I talk say the rubbish words are catchy. Abi na the tune dey dey catchy. As in everytime wey I hear the song, na so I go just bend down dey put my hand, dey comot am from inside my thighs (okay this sounds rawer than it actually looks in real life but you get the picture naa). Sha, na so I go just dey Sokori bobo abi na Sombori bobo.

Wetin be the meaning of sombori sef?! At least if dem want make we dey follow dem dey sing dia rubbish dem suppose dey tell us the meaning in case say we dey use style dey curse ourselves.

And den the faded-hair one, Tony Tetuila. Pleeze, dude, u try too hard. Retire!
Ah mean, Do-re-mi?
What's dat?!!!

Then ones wey I feel kill pass, Artquake. Give up guys, u just didn't make it in music!
Alanta? *Pish!*


But I dey enjoy the songs dem sha. Rubbish or no rubbish. If you see where I dey dance Alanta- dey open all my mouth, dey grab my chest.


But seriously, I wish thy'll make sense and sing songs with real lyrics and not just catchy choruses.
After wey u don sombori abi na sokori finish, wetin come remain for the song?
It's good lyrics that keep u remembering a song for years to come.
Chorus? After today no more. You sing am today den when there is notin of substance following it, u quickly forget it and move on to the next catchy chorus with the banging beat.

Sha, na so we like our Nigerian musicians sha.
After all as D'banj said and proved, u don't really have to make sense to make a hit song.

Someone should therefore advise people like Faze and Nomoreless, all those arty (real?) musicains still trying to make sense but raking no real money. At least Faze bin try wit him Kolomental but, yet still...

Nonsense is the way ma people!
Abi how una check am naa!

Monday, August 3, 2009

And the walls come down!

Monday, August 3, 2009 2
From the end (or the beginning depending on your direction) of the Iganmu bridge down to Okoko and probably beyond, the walls are coming DOWN!

And trust Nigerians, these sentimental ___:

"It'd not fair"
"how dem want make these people survive?"
"See market o!"
"See person market!"
"this government is wicked!"

blah blah blah

Of course, there are some amongst us that actually use the brain that we have been blessed with for rational thought.

"They were warned."
"Government has promised to compensate them"
"That is if you have C of O."

And the one that just killed me:

"I swear if to say na me get this building, dat fest time wey dem talk say make dem comot, I fo don sell the building tey tey. By now I go dey enjoy my money while pesin wey I sell am to go dey cry."

Man, I finish for laff. Igbo sense.

"They [the government of Lagos state] want to build a 10 lane road, five on each side, including rails."
"They will build it into Benin."
"Na IMF give dem money"
"Ecowas don dey give dem money tey tey."

I confuse for the money matter area. Who is actually funding the thing?

"See oh, na oyibo dey destroy am. U no say we, our Nigerians no go fit handle tha machine"
"Hey, Volvo don go!"
"See Eleganza o!"

"Dem no touch Signal Barracks."
"E be like say na only Lagos state dey do the ting."
"Which time Nepa go comot?"

"Oceanic bank na him fest comot for Coker."
"Wat about these petrol stations naa?
"Dem dey give dem time. U no say e no easy to remove pipe."
"Where dem wan relocate dose ones go? Petrol station go need to dey for Express. Abi how people go wan take buy fuel?"

Ask me? I mean, I wonder too.

Eh yah.

But it would become a real Express road... we hope.

"Na so dem go start, next thing, dem go leave the road."
"Dem no fit!"
"Dis fashola dey try o!"
"Fashola na wiked man! See as he just dey destroy everything for Lagos dey make people life difficult."
"Him don talk say anybody wey no like am make him come collect 3000 naira use go back to village."
"3000 naira. how 3000 naira wan carry person go village."

Ask ABC and co.


All comments are as heard on the different coaster, danfo and BRT I plied all through last week.

Personally, I think he is doing a good job. And I think what the so-called sentimentalist don't realise is that-
1. Lagos-Badagry Express road, is actually an Express road and making it a real one, would reduce all those incessant hold-ups at Orile, Alaba, Mile 2, Iyanoba, Volks and Okoko.
Meaning say dem wan clear all those winches and wizards (according to MC Obj and him I-traffic reporters for Go-Slow Yarns) wey dey block road for those areas."
2.-
Okay, I've got only one point.

But I hope say dem go remember to build pedestrian fly-overs.
No be say Lagosians like to dey use am but me wey love my life I pray dey do especially residential areas like Festac, Amuwo Odofin, Orile, Satellite etc.

And I am also wondering about all the accumulated debris. where would dey all go to? Would dey be put into building the roads? Or what?!!! It won't make sense to have all those stuff lying around.

Sha make dem sha build the road make we see.

I can't wait to enter Train. I fit add am to my list of Public Transport Wey I don Enter for Lagos. As for ferry, e go tey before u catch me inside, life jacket or not. I no fit imagine falling inside all this shit water wey surround the whole Lagos.

Sha later my people.

Monday, July 27, 2009

And...

Monday, July 27, 2009 6
What's the whole idea behind making a video fifty years after you have brought out the album and the shit has been played and over-played out of it?

Yup, Ogbono Feli Feli- the video is out!

9ice went the same route with Gongon aso. According to him releasing the video long after the song ceased to be popular was to prevent pirates from making more money from the song than they would have done.

Of course another reason, if Nigeria were a place where artistes actually depended on the sales of their albums, is to relaunch the album into the popular stream in order to extend its play life. It actually works for very good songs/albums- if. If the video is actually as good as the song.
Lots of fans lashed out against the Gongon aso video. It was like an anti-climax to a long wait. No originality there.

And about the Dbanj video...
It was directed by the dude that did Wande Coal and Mo-Hits Un-Stars' Ten-ten. It wa supposed to have this James Bondy theme. A guy that looks suspiciously like Paul Play (most likely Don Jazzy) was supposed to be playing the role of M or wareva

And then after after all said and done or not done- the car and all what not- it was all just the same.

Same old, same old.
Same old bikini-clad girls- boobs, ass and all (I think one girl from Pere made a reappearance), Same old ''masion'', now turned estate.
Same old gist-D'banj is big, he will rock you and the girls love him.
Pish! (snort)

Who cares!
What a wasted trip abroad!

Till death do us together

What is this whole bullshit about assisted suicide?!

(Read at Time online.)

Oyinbo would never cease to amaze me. Always making mountains out of shit-piles!!!

Na wetin. What happened to the good old kill-yasef-in-private? Why all the whole brou-ha-ha about the best way one should commit suicide!
Just buy a very sharp knife or brew a cup of home-made poison. What about all those household chemicals playing around your house with the huge skull and bones on them? Bet they taste like heaven to a man with a death-wish. Or you could stand in front of a car, what the hell! I mean why do you need to pay someone to kill you in an oh-so-public way that brings on an unnecessary debate? I mean a debate that should never have come on in the first place.

If you want to die with your wife, drink poison in your house! Who is going to arrest you for committing suicide? Hopefully u would be dead when the police starts asking questions and the only way they can get you then is by following you to the grave and we all know the route to that place.
Even if you don't die sef. I am yet to hear of someone being arrested and/or convicted for attempted suicide.
If you have give me facts figures, name and place.

Bullshit!

I seriously do not understand the whole science behind assisted suicide. Is it even science at all? If you want to die, please kill yourself. And if you don't have the liver to do it yourself then keep your misery to youself.

Bullshit!

Who wants to pay me One million pounds to kill him. Of course you have to sign a whole legal binder of documents and then give me the full assurance that when the time comes you would tell God that you specifically asked for it and if worse comes to worse, take my place in hell.

Bullshit!

man, I give up.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

More on La Blondinètte and Décalé Gwada

Thursday, July 23, 2009 0
the young white hope.


This girl is so good she danced better than those in the original video. She put her own style into it. Obviously, she was taught, still she's good.
On the youtube page where I downloaded this from, someone apparently thought she was such a genius that the person went ahead to thank her and her parents for her dancing skills.

Here's the original video


They could learn something from Elvyna up there. But I just love the song and the routine, the beat just kills me. I tried doing it but my waist just isn't that flexible.
Apparently this song and video is a remix. The original is less hip-hop and was probably done in Congo before the guy moved to France. I love his clothes! Sexy!

Original Décalé Gwada


Here's another white chick killing the moves. As in, meeen!!!
Notice the difference from the remix. This one sounds more like a Kofi Olomide thing.


The artist's name is Jessy Matador. he looked "fresher" in the second video. the good life...

For more on Jessy Matador, including free download, click here

For those of you who like me wanna learn how to décalé, here is a video tutorial.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This morning

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 6
One word for Agberos- Cowards!

One sentence which can best describe Lagos passengers (or Lagosians generally) - They are always in a hurry.

- Conductor, pay am now make we move comot for hia!
- Una no know wetin una dey do before.
- Driver pass hia, pass hia!
- See this stupid driver! u don put us for hold up.

I swear, it is impatient passengers and not impatient drivers that cause some of these hold-ups and accidents in Lagos!
Trust me, I am not exonerating drivers but everyone needs to take his own share of the blame.


Chei! all these pee-pee-pee for road don burst my ear drums!

Then Okada! As small and harmless looking as they are, na dem cause all the wahala pass. U go see small okada wey carry big horn like trailer own.
POM-POM-POM!
E be like small man wey get big kini and dey use am impregnate all the gals for area.



Still, that Okada thrives, you have to blame impatient commuters.
As for being a menace on our road... I really don't know who to blame.
I don't think you need a license or to go through some special training to ride an Okada. That's why every jobless animal rides one!

Okada small, small!

Whee, whee, whee!
For wia!
Peeeee-Peeee
Screeeech.
Yesterday, right in front of my office, okada knocked down a small child.

(Sorry o but na tow-day!)

And no one seems to care.

The whole Orile hold-up is caused by one thing or one force or... - Corrupt Traffic Policemen.
Where they are meant to abate traffic, they cause it. Dem send u, dem must collect roger!
I don't know what they call it these days but I know that their pay-off has increased from 20naira to 50 naira and 100 naira in some areas.

Sigh!

And these days, it has become politically incorrrect to insult corrupt Traffic Policemen. I don't know why but ask that dude on Wazobia fm, Diplomatic OBJ. According to him, Police are paid peanuts, hence a valid justification.
Pshaw
or *hiss* as my niece would say.


And, UPDATE- Police now employ their own agbero. At Orile, they stop buses so that their agbero can collect the money for them. No need to sully the uniform more than usual.

Hmph!

At Oyingbo, there are lots of plain-clothes policemen. Yep! They work undercover to extort money from danfo!
Who said undercover!!! The next day, you'll see the guy in his uniform as another person takes over the "toll-booth" shift.
And these plain-clothes guys, I swear they are more vicious than regular agberos. Regular agbero will take your mirror, your whipper, your loose plate number or maybe your fuel tank cover, ur passenger bench and sometimes even your engine cover or the whole sliding door!

Yesterday one overzealous agbero pulled out the rubber that protects the boot from slamming hard into the car, you know the one around the boot area (i don't know the name, pele). And as jara he took the bus' *customised* speaker which was also in the boot.

I mean, my guy, talk of going the extra mile at your job!

But those plain clothes-men at Oyingbo, like I said they are more vicious. They will stop your car that's after chasing after it and hanging onto it like monkeys, and then take your car keys!
That's it for the day! No Roger, no Bizness! O pari!

I tire, my brother. My eyes see many things that my mouth cannot say finish.

And then back to impatient passenger: Conductor, pay them naah make we dey go!

No one ever speaks of the injustice of the whole thing. No one steps up to challenge such rubbish. Not even the driver whose keys have been illegally seized from him. He ends up prostrating and then coughs up this morning's hard-earned pay just so he can get his car released and continue the hustle. He can't afford to lose his passengers, some have not paid and have already been taken half the distance. The longer he spends the more is the likelihood that he would lose his imaptient passengers to the competition- a more bizness-minded bus-driver wey get the good sense to settle police at once, on demand.

So dis morning, this passenger sitting in front actually challenged agbero "Useless thief!"
The abero got all bragada (you know naa) and then spat on the passenger as the bus was moving off. The spit connected.
Na so passenger VEEEXXXXX. Him eye REEEEEDDDD. He's probably a plain-clothes soldier or something in the military.
- Na only dem dey fit get dat kine mouth and power to fite! (or so the other passengers conjectured)
He leapt down from the bus even as it was moving and went after the agbero.
When we looked back, the agbero was taking to his heels. He was running towards where he would get reinforcements.

Of course, driver did not wait for his Voltron passenger. He had other passengers to think about, other bus-stops to go to, money to make and more agberos and police to settle.


Sigh! Seriously, I tire.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

duuuh

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 3

Very stupid guy is urinating against a wall. Turns to his friend and says: This place smells horrible.

What a dunce!

I almost stopped to tell him the obvious: Of course, it smells bad, darling. You are pissing there, aren't you? How about, next time, you bring along an air-freshener for your make-shift toilet?
 
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